On a recent interview with Clement Manyathela on 702’s Family Matters, we discussed ADULT FRIENDSHIPS… making friends as an adult and the difficulty of maintaining friendships through life changes, marriage, divorce and parenting.
Why Adult Friendships Matter (and How to Keep Them Close)
In a world where everyone seems busier than ever, it’s no surprise that friendships can often take a backseat. Yet, these connections are one of the most enriching parts of our lives, offering deep support and a sense of belonging. Why, then, do so many adults find themselves feeling disconnected or lonely? After a recent radio interview about adult friendships, listeners called in from all walks of life, sharing their struggles in maintaining and forming meaningful friendships. This reflection reveals that adult friendships, while vital, often feel difficult to hold on to.
The Importance of Friendships in Adulthood
Friendships aren’t just nice to have—they’re crucial to our emotional and mental health. Adults need these bonds just as much as children and teens, as they provide a safe space for shared experiences, encouragement, and understanding. Research shows that these friendships can reduce stress, boost happiness, and even increase longevity. Yet, forming and sustaining adult friendships can be challenging, as we each carry the complexity of our own life experiences and a new sensitivity that may make us hesitant to connect.
Why We’re Hesitant to Share Our Struggles
One major barrier adults face is the reluctance to truly open up. When you’re juggling responsibilities—work, family, self-care, and more—there’s often a fear of burdening friends with personal struggles. Many adults end up keeping things to themselves to avoid adding to anyone else’s load. However, this reluctance can backfire, leaving both friends feeling unsupported. True friendships thrive on reciprocity and vulnerability, yet many of us need a gentle reminder that sharing and listening can actually strengthen relationships, not weaken them.
Comparative Suffering: The Pain We Silence
Another significant factor is something psychologists call “comparative suffering,” the tendency to measure our pain against others’. When we do this, we may decide that our struggles are too “small” to mention, or on the flip side, believe that our pain is so immense that it’s beyond others’ comprehension. For example, we might think, “Why should I talk about my work stress when she’s going through a breakup?” But this kind of comparison only drives a wedge between us and the people we care about, keeping us from sharing and receiving the support we all need.
The Balance Between Self-Help and Helping Others
As Simon Sinek points out, bookstores are filled with “self-help” titles but have little focus on “helping others.” In our quest for personal improvement, many of us have become so inwardly focused that we forget the healing power of being there for someone else. When we reach out to support our friends, it lifts us out of our own heads and brings us into a more compassionate space, helping us feel more connected and less isolated.
Life Transitions and How They Shape Our Friendships
Life transitions—such as career changes, marriage, parenthood, and even moves to new cities—can naturally disrupt friendships. These changes can mean less time for friends, shifting priorities, and new responsibilities, which can make sustaining friendships feel like an impossible task. However, a lack of consistent connection can lead to feelings of isolation, and before long, even our closest friendships can drift. Taking a little time to check in, share updates, and schedule time together (even virtually) can help friendships weather these life changes.
Have We Become Too Sensitive or Indifferent in Friendships?
Adulthood often brings with it an increased sensitivity to interpersonal dynamics. Life experiences can make us more guarded or quicker to take offense, and sometimes even indifferent, especially if we’ve been hurt or let down in the past. This shift can lead us to withdraw from friendships at the first sign of conflict or discomfort. However, with a healthy dose of empathy and open communication, it’s possible to navigate misunderstandings in a way that strengthens, rather than fractures, our friendships.
Robin Sharma says “Be not a resentment collector. The people you haven’t forgiven become your drains.”
Building and Prioritizing Friendships in a Busy World
While adult life may be packed with commitments, friendships don’t have to be sidelined. Scheduling regular check-ins, coffee dates, or shared activities helps keep bonds strong. Even small gestures—like a quick text to ask about a friend’s day or sending a thoughtful note—go a long way. Friendships need consistent, small acts of care to grow. And just as important, investing in friendships is one of the most effective ways to boost happiness and reduce stress, making the effort truly worthwhile.
The Role of Vulnerability and Emotional Intelligence
To move beyond surface-level connections, adults need to embrace vulnerability. Being open about our struggles, dreams, and quirks allows others to connect with our true selves.
Emotional intelligence—the ability to navigate emotions with awareness and empathy—is equally crucial for maintaining friendships, as it helps us understand when to listen, when to support, and how to communicate in times of tension. Vulnerability and emotional intelligence help us form the kind of deep, meaningful friendships that can stand the test of time.
Social Media’s Influence on Friendships
While social media has made it easier to stay in touch, it can sometimes lead to shallow connections and comparisons that hinder deeper relationships. A quick “like” is not the same as a real check-in or conversation, and spending too much time online can make us feel like we’re missing out on others’ lives. Choosing to limit time on social media in favor of meaningful interactions—like calls, video chats, or in-person meetups—allows us to build stronger, more authentic friendships.
How to Build Friendships in a Digital and Busy World
It can feel daunting to find new friends as an adult, but opportunities are everywhere if we’re willing to be intentional. Engaging in shared interests, joining online communities, volunteering, or attending events designed for social connection can create the space to meet new people. For introverts, opting for smaller gatherings or one-on-one meet ups can feel less intimidating and create a setting for genuine connections. Remember that building friendships takes time, and patience and consistency are essential.
Why Adult Friendships Are Worth the Effort
Despite the challenges, friendships are one of the most rewarding parts of life. They enrich our experiences, provide support through difficult times, and bring joy to the good ones. With intentionality, openness, and a willingness to support and be supported, adults can build and maintain the connections that sustain us through life’s ups and downs. A life filled with close friendships isn’t only happier—it’s healthier, too. By investing in our friendships, we’re also investing in our own wellbeing and happiness.
After 85 years of research (the longest study into happiness ever conducted) Harvard Scientists say that the key to a happy life is warm relationships with others. Relationships are STRESS REGULATORS!