Life is busy. We seem to be rushing towards the end of the year and so many of us have their gaze set on the December horizon. When we get into this mindset things that should be important to us, that need maintenance, get put to one side.
This includes our relationship with our significant other.
If we factor in children and family needs on top of the work and seasonal pressure, it’s not surprising that relationships slip down our priority lists.
Can you remember what you noticed about your partner when you first met? Was it a character trait, or mannerism, or a demonstration of their values, some kind of quirk that created that initial spark of attraction?
When was the last time you thought about your partner at their best?
It’s very likely that your early attraction came about because you saw them in the balcony of their Strengths.
It’s hard to make time for our partners when life is so busy, or we come home to kitchen chores. For some people this is a trigger, because we project our response to household situations onto others. When it’s our romantic partner we are doing it to this can manifest itself in nagging or petty squabbling. Aggravations can build up over time until suddenly we take our stress out on each other.
Start with Strengths, and the language it gives us, to communicate with each other in an affirming way. Even if you haven’t done your CliftonStrengths® profile you can engage with strengths language by thinking about your partner’s best self, and being mindful about the way you communicate with each other.
So how can we be aware of this, and make time for each other at our best?
You’re a team, and understanding how you can fill-in each other’s gaps is a helpful way of tackling life’s daily challenges.
Your partner won’t show up in the way you wish they would, they will show up in the way their Strengths steer them. Rather than try and correct each other’s response to a situation, see if you can support each other because you have taken the time to understand how your partner will show up.
If there are little things your partner does (or doesn’t do) that niggle you, perhaps it would be helpful to stay open-hearted about the reason why they do that thing. If you take your perception and projection out, and instead assume that they are NOT doing it deliberately, that they might need a little support, and that their Strengths will lead them to show up in different (but still positive ways) you might take some aggravation out of many relationship challenges.
Easier said than done? What are some actions that we can take to reinforce the balconies in our relationship rather than living in our basements?
- Start with language of appreciation – for yourself. If you can speak positively about YOU, if you have clear words to describe yourself at your best, what strengths you possess in the relationship, then you’ll role model this for your partner.
- What attracted you to each other in the first place? It was something positive, and a good place to start.
- Speak to your partner about them at their best: you can often perceive someone’s strengths better than they can see them. If you can describe them at their best you can help your partner deploy affirming language about themselves.
- Then, can you talk about each other as a TEAM at your best?
It doesn’t come naturally at first, because the world has conditioned us against talking ourselves up. It will take practice, but once the words are there it will get easier and easier to use them.
On a recent workshop when we asked couples to do this exercise, describing each other at their best, most found it tough to do at first.
But here’s the thing: the emotional response from positive talk helped them remember that they are a team, that they can help each other be at their best, and that they can support (rather than judge) each other when they are having a bad moment.
It’s a vulnerable moment when you first engage with your partner in this way. Using language deliberately is a powerful thing.
Likewise, when we have an inevitable bad day, living in our basement and less than our best, if we can access language around this then we can notice and communicate with less confrontation.
The next step is making things practical. How do we bring out the best in each other in real-life situations?
- Intimacy and romance
- Finances
- Parenting
- Extended family
- Lifestyle and health
- Work demands
Taking the time to see each aspect of the relationship through a Strengths lens will make these potentially stressful themes easier to navigate.
What other categories would you add to the list?
Finally, if we understand how to bring out the best in our partner, then we will be able to communicate what we uniquely BRING to the relationship and what we NEED from each other to consistently be at our best.
Ultimately, it’s about reinforcing our partnership and being open to creating a space where we can be our best selves more often. It’s about appreciation and affirmation, and remembering just how important this person is to you. Strengths language will help you stay at your best, together.
If you’re interested in chatting about Couples Coaching, book a 15 min connection call to discuss.
